Taking Care of Yourself
Three Reasons to Give Life Meaning by Giving Back
Even when she was traveling the globe, designing and creating family-oriented projects, such as children’s museums, farms and gardens, Vicki Stoecklin made time to volunteer. She’d work on projects in Thailand, Saudi Arabia, and China, but whenever she was home in Kansas City, Missouri, Vicki shared her time and talents with non-profit organizations including the Girl Scouts, the local food bank, a boy’s home and more.
When Vicki was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s, her life radically changed; she had to give up her dynamic travel schedule and her demanding and rewarding career. But she never considered giving up her volunteer activities; in fact, she consciously began seeking more opportunities to give back to her community.
Many of her normal activities were no longer viable: she couldn’t drive, read or cook. Her normally stellar math skills were impaired. Suddenly, instead of having to make every minute count, she had nothing but time. Within these limitations, she had to reframe her life and find new activities that stimulated and engaged her.
As Vicki pondered what to do with her life, she thought of Sheffield Place, a local shelter for single moms and their children. These women were struggling and rarely had enough money for any personal extras. Vicki decided to make necklaces for the mothers in the shelter. She enjoyed buying the beads and learning to string them in an artistically pleasing way, creatively combining colors, sizes and patterns. She also crafted a special gift bag for each necklace, decorating each with brightly colored stickers. When Vicki delivered her creations, the women and the staff were so grateful and so pleased. Their gratitude gave Vicki a sense of completion and connection.
One day, riding home from an appointment, Vicki noticed a dog shelter.
The thought floated into her mind: Wouldn’t it be fun to make blankets for the dogs?”
So, she made small, cozy blankets for the animals in the shelter. She enjoyed picking out colorful flannel, sizing it, then cutting fringe around the edges, and tying two pieces of fringe into knots.
“Making these blankets was relaxing and therapeutic,” Vicki says. “The cutting and tying helped me maintain my fine motor skills and the easy nature of the project allowed other people to get involved.”
When friends saw the fabric lying across Vicki’s lap, they asked, “What are you making?” Vicki explained and soon her friends were sitting beside her, tying away.
“With my dementia, I have a hard time finishing a project, “Vicki says. “These art projects allow me to complete a craft and give me a sense of accomplishment. Plus, learning new skills stimulates my brain.”
For Vicki, being a productive person and making a contribution to society, rather than just sitting around, has given her a much-needed sense of creativity and purpose. She encourages others with a similar diagnosis to seek what brings them joy and open up to new ideas and activities.
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Finding ways to give back offers people a sense of purpose and a connection with others. Seek projects that are:
Tangible, finite and easy to finish
Fun to do alone or with others
Aligned with an organization the care partner can relate to
Connected to non-profits that can communicate gratitude
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Eight Wonderful Ways to Heighten Your Caregiving Experience
Mountains cannot be surmounted except by winding paths. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
How do we appreciate our lives as a care partner when we’re worn, torn and forlorn? How do we feel our creative spark when we don’t have time or energy for our usual forms of renewal?
I recently had the pleasure of interviewing some leading creative caregivers for an article on Conscious Caregiving for Natural Awakenings. Click here to read this article.
I’ve also found inspiration on the blog Zenhabits.net, where Leo Babauta offers great ideas for making the most of life. Leo generously shares his wisdom with anyone who wants to learn from and with him. Here are two of my favorite shots of his inspiration.
Treat an activity like a sacred ritual
Every single thing we do can be done as an afterthought, or it can be elevated to something sacred.
Washing your hands? Take a moment to realize how much of a miracle this act is (many people don’t have water for basic hygiene), take a breath, and truly pay attention as you go through this sacred hand-washing ritual.
Do your dishes the same way: every dish a miracle, every sensation elevated to a new importance, every drop of water a gem worth paying attention to.
This applies to every activity: caregiving, writing, responding to an email, listening to a friend, playing with your child, taking a shower, going for a walk, paying bills. Worthy of your full attention, worthy of joy and appreciation.
Your Intention Creates Your Greatness
Start by admitting that greatness comes from making a difference in the world.
Being an example of compassion is one way you can make a difference.
It doesn’t matter if you achieve the result you set out to achieve — you can’t control the result, but you can control your intention. And you can show up, every day with that intention.
Carve out the time. Put aside everything else. Realize that life is limited and precious and amazing, and you shouldn’t waste a minute of it.
Pursue this compassionate work with single-minded devotion. This one thing matters, and all else can be put aside for now, unless it’s in support of your work. (Good health supports your work, including a whole-foods diet, exercise, and sleep.)
This compassionate work, with good-hearted intention, pursued with single-minded devotion: this is greatness.
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Here’s to all those sacred acts of daily caring and to the intentional and loving care partners, bringing greatness into the lives of those living with dementia.
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Ten Tenets for Choosing Movies to Boost Memories and Moods
Cinema can fill in the empty spaces of your life and your loneliness . Pedro Almodovar
Invite Connections Through Watching Films Together
Most of us who visit care facilities have witnessed the dreaded “people slumped over in front of the television” syndrome. Of course, you don’t want to park your beloved person in front of a screen. But watching an appropriate movie together can be a meaningful experience.
Movies can stir up positive memories and invite conversations, such as discussing a favorite actor, a memorable scene, the old movie theater just a streetcar ride from home, or a special date at the movies.
According to Alzheimer’s.net, a good movie experience can leave a person with Alzheimer’s in a better mood and more engaged with others. A film can also help bridge generations, giving grandparents, children, and grandchildren something to share.
When selecting a movie for viewing, chose a film that is:
- Fun and uplifting
- Easy to understand in terms of plot and characters
- Under two hours
- Void of violence, illness and death
- Appealing to the person who has Alzheimer’s
Choose a comfortable setting with minimal distractions so you can talk during the film, discussing any memories, ideas or questions that the film inspires.
Familiar musicals, such as The Wizard of Oz, Camelot, or Guys and Dolls, often resonate with people who have Alzheimer’s. Other favorite films might include It’s A Wonderful Life and Singin’ In the Rain.
Comfort and Console Yourself with Cinema
Movies can also recharge your spirit, during times when you need a little relaxation and entertainment but you’re too tired to leave the house. My friend Karen Rowinsky, LSCSW, (http://www.overlandparkcounseling.com/) wrote about cinematherapy in a recent blog. She’s an expert on self-care and I wanted to share her suggestions with you.
Here are Karen’s ideas:
Need a laugh, a cathartic crying session, or some excitement in your life? Instead of selecting your next movie by analyzing Rotten Tomatoes, let your choice reflect the mood you desire.
Here are some ideas that may fit the bill:
- Need to getaway from it all? Watch a film from another country.
- Haven’t laughed in a while? Pick an actor or genre that always gets you going.
- Want to release tension? Select a thriller with lots of suspense that will leave you spent.
- Feeling wrapped up in your problems? Find a biographical movie with an inspiring story.
- Desire some mental stimulation? Documentaries or films on a topic you know nothing about can help.
Most of us get stuck in a rut when it comes to movies. Services like Netflix divide their movies into genres and sub-genres. You can look for comedies but then narrow your choices down to dark comedies, slapstick, spoofs, romantic comedies, etc. Trade lists of favorite movies with friends. Better yet, start a film festival with your friends or family, using a theme, a decade, or genre to make your choices.
Self-care can be as easy as a DVD and some popcorn.
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Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Four Fabulous Ways to Lift Your Mood and Enhance Your Creativity
Exhaustion. Lethargy. Too tired to think or create. These are some of the issues so many care partners deal with. We’ve been collecting five-minute breakthroughs, simple and easy ways to change your energy and boost your creative spirit.
What area some of your creative catalysts?
RAISE YOUR ARMS AND RAISE YOUR ENERGY
You’ve already had a latte and a cookie, and you’re still lethargic. Now is the time to get “up in arms.”
With your fingertips touching, hold your hands in front of your stomach. Without touching your torso, slowly raise your hands the length of your upper body, palms facing in. As your hands lift over the top of your head, straighten your arms, stretching them high above your head.
This simple kinesiological technique makes you more alert and helps you focus.
GIVE IN TO DISTRACTION
“I didn’t know what was wrong with me,” says Dusty. “I finally sit down to organize Mom’s medications, then two minutes later, I get up and wander around.”
Guess what–you don’t have to “sit still until you finish your work.” Give in to your desire to leave your task. Distractions are part of the creative cycle. By doing something different, you give yourself space for new creative thoughts and new energy. After a five-minute break, you can return to your task, centered, focused, and ready to be productive, at least for a half hour or so.
STORY LINES
Remember when you were a kid and someone read you a story? You were instantly transported into another time and place.
You’ll provide your own emotional and creative transportation when you break a stuck spell by reading aloud. Pick a story or a poem that’s short and visual. Children’s stories are wonderful, for imagery, for sound, for getting to use “voices,” and for quick shots of deep truth. Read aloud to yourself or share with your care partner. Reading aloud changes your energy and frees you free from stagnation.
ABOUT FACE
“Don’t make faces at your brother,” they used to scold. Little did they know you were just being creative!
Scrunch up your nose. Push your cheeks up. Jut out your jaw and open your mouth dentist-wide. Bare your teeth, then stick out your tongue. Make as many faces as you can. Playing with your face muscles also plays with your mind muscles. After a few minutes, you’ll be ready to “face” the world again.
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Taking Care of Yourself by Reaching Out
“I’m too busy to even begin to think about doing anything more – even reaching out.”
When I read Yosaif August’s blog, I really identified with this sentence. Yosaif is the author of Coaching for Caregivers: How to Reach Out Before You Burn Out.
Here are some of his words of wisdom:
“When we’re exhausted or on overwhelm, how do we begin thinking about doing anything beyond what we’re already doing? And reaching out certainly sounds like a major bit of doing.
“But, I’d like you to consider the idea that reaching out is not just another item on a ‘to do’ list. It’s on a different kind of list, a ‘to be’ list. This item on the list is about being connected. About being receptive to the web of connections that can make our tough times much more endurable and our better times much more enjoyable.
“Take a few moments and imagine yourself being open to receiving the love and support that is flowing towards you. Try this even if you don’t quite believe it right now. Relax into it. Imagine your antenna beaming out, letting people know you are in receptive mode. Relax into it.
“Opening up more to love and support is a great way of taking care of yourself.”
……….
I was lucky; during my caregiving journey with my mom — when I was too exhausted and shy to reach out for help — a dear friend reached out to me.
When Maril asked, “Can I go with you to visit your mother?” I felt like a flutter of angels had gathered around me.
“Really?” I asked. “You want to see Mom with me?”
She did. I prepared her for our visit, describing Mom’s various moods. Maril did not seem shocked, worried, or afraid. I told her about walking into the sometimes chaotic energy of the locked Alzheimer’s unit. She simply nodded as if this were an ordinary occurrence, which, for me, it was.
The day of our visit I felt lightness inside; I was eager to share my secret world with my friend.
When we arrived, Mom was sitting at a table in the dining room with a magazine in front of her. She looked pretty and serene and she smiled when we came in. We sat next to her and Maril took her hands.
“How are you Fran?” Maril said, looking into my mother’s eyes.
“Well I you know the scatter of it all,” my mother answered.
“I do know the scatter of it all. How are you getting along here?”
“Like a diamond in the sky,” my mother said.
As I listened as my mother and my friend talk, I was proud of my mother’s poetic and eccentric answers, proud of the way she engaged in the conversation. And I was grateful that my friend was able to listen to her words and intuit their deeper meaning.
“I enjoyed seeing your mom,” Maril said, as we drove home. “I’d like to go again with you sometime.”
The visit was a huge gift for me. Seeing Maril engage with and appreciate my mom reminded me of my mother’s many talents and facets. This knowledge later helped me get through those moments when my mother seemed faraway or lost. My friend reminded me — there are so many ways to carry on a good conversation. All you need is attention, intention, and love.
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Exploring the Creativity of Limitation: New Ways to Tell the Same Truth
My mother gets in the car and stares straight ahead.
Before I turn the key, I say, “Mom, want to put on your seatbelt?”
“What?” She has a sweet, vague look on her face.
“Your seat belt. You’ll need to put it on.”
I reach over her and drag down the seat belt. She nods and pulls it forward, towards the buckle. But she looses momentum and the belt slides back into oblivion. Now I have to unbuckle my own seat belt, stretch up and pull my mother’s seat belt forward again. This time I snap it in myself.
“How is work?” Mom says, when we are underway.
“It’s fine. I have an interesting new editing job, working on a romance novel.”
Mom smiles.
I stop at a red light and she asks, “How’s work?”
I grip the steering wheel but keep my voice calm. “Fine. I’m editing a romance novel.”
Three minutes later, she asks again. That’s when I realize; this is a great opportunity for me to exercise creativity. Having imposed limitations can be a catalyst for creative thinking. I set myself a challenge: How can I give my mother a new and truthful answer every time she asks me this question?
“How is work?”
“I am really enjoying reading this romance novel set in the early 20th century and figuring out how to make the characters more believable,” I say.
She smiles. I smile. Now that I’m viewing mom’s repetition as a trigger for my own creativity, I feel lighter, more open and loving. My mind is dancing about, constructing a new and interesting answer. Now I am eager for my mom to ask me again and again, so I can share interesting information with my mother while expanding my art of creative expression
Creative Pick Me Up: Ask yourself a question and create ten different true answers.
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Top Three Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day When your Mom Has Alzheimer’s
“I don’t know what to do about Mother’s Day,” a friend recently told me. “I used to celebrate with my mother, but Mom doesn’t really recognize me now and the holiday won’t mean anything to her.”
My friend was not alone in her dilemma: according to the Shriver Report, ten million women either have Alzheimer’s or are caring for someone with it.
I’d faced the same issue with my mom as she sank into Alzheimer’s. But I’d decided that celebrating Mother’s Day was important for me and for my family, even if Mom didn’t truly understand what was going on.
Here are three tips I devised for reducing the sadness this holiday can trigger and for substituting a celebration of renewal and connection.
Feel Your Frustration and Grief
The happy-family-candy-and-flowers Mother’s Day television commercials seemed to shout at me: “Your mother is no longer who she used to be!” That was true and a spike of sorrow stabbed at me as I mourned my “normal mom.”
Celebration: Talk about your feelings with empathetic friends; feel your grief and the frustration. Explore ways to express yourself, perhaps through journaling, collaging, stomping about. Or cocoon and immerse yourself in mournful movies and music.
Activate Your Appreciations
My mother could not complete a sensible sentence, cook a simple meal or dress herself. She did not know my name or remember any of my accomplishments or stellar qualities.
Celebration: Notice and appreciate the good in your situation. Even though Mom didn’t remember my name, she also didn’t remember any of my shortcomings. She was no longer critical of my parenting skills and no longer shy to show affection. She had a dazzling smile, a whimsical giggle and an ability to look into my eyes. She was content with who I was, whoever I was. These were qualities to celebrate.
Celebrate Yourself and Your New Relationship
Since my mom could not care for herself, I learned to care for her. Our lives wove together and we became deeply connected, as I emerged from being just a daughter to becoming an advocate, spokeswoman and historian for my mother.
Celebration: On Mother’s Day, I stopped to celebrate myself, my flexibility, my sense of humor, my steadfast feelings of responsibility. I gave myself the gift of time and appreciation.
7 Ways to Concoct a Creative Celebration
Share favorite memories
Tell her favorite life stories
List her opinions, maxims and worries
Sing along to favorite family music
Muse over family photos
Serve up easy comfort foods
Share what you’ve learned from your journey with her
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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12 Easy Health Tips for Busy Caregivers, From Guest Blogger Liana Werner-Gray
“Remember, if you aren’t healthy and strong you aren’t able to properly care for anyone else.” Liana Werner-Gray
“I know you like a list,” my friend Sarah Grace wrote. She sent me a fascinating list with more than 80 tips for detoxing and eating healthily. I was so intrigued by this information that I emailed Liana Werner-Gray, author of the forthcoming New Earth Diet, and asked if she had ideas for caregivers. Liana created a special list for caregivers! Here are some of her quick and simple tips for those who are too busy or stressed to eat properly. I’d also love to learn from you—have you any tips to share?
Nourish Yourself Now
Lemon Aid Take three minutes and boost your immune system. Squeeze half a lemon into a cup of water. This drink is high in vitamin C and will keep your immune system strong. Lemon water is excellent for alkalizing your body and flushing away stress.
Fast Fruit Nation Imagine going through a drive-through and ordering, “One orange, two bananas and a side of apple slices.” Fruit is nature’s fast food. It’s great for on-the-go and will nourish your body with a lot of vitamins.
Raw Raw for Chocolate Order some raw chocolate so you always have healthy chocolate on hand. This chocolate pacifies cravings and is also high in magnesium and antioxidants; it can relax the body while providing energy.
Snack Simple Eat organic almond butter or peanut butter as a quick snack. Drink herbal tea. Snack on herbs like parsley and cilantro as much as possible.
Serve Up a Smoothie Week On a Sunday, make seven smoothies for the week. Keep three in the fridge and four in the freezer. Drink one each day! Be as creative as you wish, combining fresh fruits and greens.
Nurture and Stretch Yourself Now
Stretch your body when you have a spare moment. Bend over, like you’re touching your toes, head and hands hanging to the ground. This brings fresh blood to your brain.
Make time for a hot relaxing bath once per week. Add in Epsom salts, clay, lavender, or sea salt.
Walk as often as you can in nature. Even a five-minute outdoor stroll makes a difference.
Meditate before sleeping. Release the day so you can have a deep, nourishing sleep.
Laugh a lot.
Every day write down ten things you love about yourself.
Keep your dreams alive.
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Have fun and visit Liana’s blog for more delicious and inspiring ideas: www.theearthdiet.blogspot.com/ I’m looking forward to reading her book . The Earth Diet is available for pre-order here: www.theearthdiet.org
Liana Werner-Gray is a sought-after speaker and advocate for natural healing using a healthy diet and lifestyle. After healing herself of many negative health conditions through embracing a natural lifestyle, Werner-Gray began lecturing and teaching about The Earth Diet internationally. Werner-Gray is the founder and owner of The Earth Diet, where she directs a team that helps people all over the world find recipes that work for them. Through her company, she has helped thousands of people improve, and in some cases even entirely heal, conditions such as cancer, diabetes, addictions, depression, acne, heart disease, obesity, and more.
Deborah Shouse is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey
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March Forth, Take Five and Lighten Up
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
― Leonard Cohen
The porch light was burnt out and I walked carefully up the brick walkway to our house. Because it was so dark, I analyzed every footstep. I inched up the stairs and fumbled the key into the lock. Once inside, I turned on the light. Now I could walk easily, without worry. As I moved around the house, I realized I had literally “lightened up.”
Turning a little light on a subject makes the journey easier. So often, we’re focused on tasks and responsibilities, and we forget to lighten up, lift ourselves up and laugh.
Here are a few easy ideas:
Be Your Own Off-Off Broadway Musical
Think about something that happened to you today and make up a song about it. Pretend you are in one of those melodramatic operettas; sing with great passion and emotion. Sing in the car, the shower or in front of a live and probably giggling audience. Your own glorious silly singing will light you up!
Swing Your feet
Sit where your feet can’t touch the ground and swing your feet. You’ll get a delightful sense of irresponsibility. It’s a relief to not always have your feet on the ground.
Bat a Balloon
Blow up a brightly colored balloon and bat it around. This is a great way to lighten up the energy. Do it after you’ve completed a hard task. Do it during that late afternoon draggy period. Do it when you get home from work. See how long you can keep it up in the air.
Embrace A Dream
Create a five-minute dream-collage. Think of someplace you’d like to go, something you want to do, or some way you want to feel. From old catalogues or magazines, tear out pictures or words that represent this dream, then tape them on an index card or piece of paper. Place your dream-collage where you can see it.
Give Someone Good Luck
Drop a nickel, a penny, a dime and a quarter on the sidewalk as you walk. Imagine who will pick them up. Imagine how they will smile and feel luckier and happier.
Deborah is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey.
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Life and Death and HoHoHo
Recently I’ve been collecting inspirational quotes that remind me to make the most of every day:
“Every day is an epic journey!” Diana Nyad, long-distance swimmer
“Play is a tool for social change,” Jessica Matthews, Uncharted Play
“What day is it?”
It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.” A.A. Milne
“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of course, one reason I’m focused on meaningful living is because I’m also thinking about dying. How do you move through this holiday season, experiencing life to the fullest, and also honoring and feeling connected with those who have died?
Here are a few ideas I have tried. I’d love to hear from you: how else do you acknowledge and honor your dead?
Feed Body and Soul
We always have some of my parents’ favorite foods. My dad particularly liked Planter’s Deluxe Nut Mix. He really adored the cashews, but he didn’t want to spend the money to upgrade to all cashews. He preferred to pick out the deliciously rare morsels, often leaving behind a plethora of peanuts, almonds or hazelnuts. In his honor, we repeat the ritual. Thank goodness, someone finally likes peanuts. Now all we need is a champion for the almonds. Did you know that memorial cashews have no calories?
Share Something Tangible
I like to wear my mother’s black blouse emblazoned with silver sequins at least once during the season. When Mom wore this blouse, it signified she was going out someplace elegant. She accompanied it with a long black skirt and high heels. When I put on my ordinary black slacks and tie up my ubiquitous black tennis shoes, I imagine my mother shaking her head. “Don’t you have any better shoes, dear?” my mother prods me from beyond the grave. “A little lipstick would be nice.” That’s a lovely part of our post-death ritual: I hear my mother’s suggestions and I fondly remember her love of dressing up.
Have the Conversation Anyway
A dear friend from Baltimore died this year, way before his time. He loved movies and always called to give us his review of any new films. Particularly this time of year, when we go to the cinema, we think about our friend and discuss his possible opinion of the film. Which character would he have identified with? What would have been his favorite scene? How many stars would he have given the show?
I feel grateful that the people I love are part of my attempt to live an “epic” life. In fact, my dad inspired me to use the George Burns quote that ends this piece. I’m thinking about Dad and his dear friend Hank, recently deceased. They might be holding drinks, a little torchy jazz music in the background. Dad might lean over to Hank and say, “You know I’m feeling a little old today. I just realized that when I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.”